All this... for a pair of skates?

 

Money’s been tight recently, so I resorted to selling my stuff. I didn’t really have anything of great value, it was mostly old clothes I’d never worn and shower sets I’d been gifted for birthdays and Christmases. I sold whatever I could on Facebook Marketplace and managed to earn an extra few quid.  

My wife even helped me out, sacrificing some of her belongings.  

“Jess, are you sure?” I said, looking at the pile of her possessions she’d laid out on the bed. 

“Yeah.” she said with a shrug. “We need the money.” 

Saddened that it had come to this, I reluctantly agreed. I thanked her and gave her a peck on the cheek.  

Most of the items sold quickly and effortlessly, and, £120 later, I was feeling glad I’d gone through with it. That is, until I got a message from Ken D.  

Ken D: r these still for sale 

He was enquiring about a pair of rollerblades. Jess had always meant to learn to skate, but life did as life does and got in the way.  

Me: yes, still available if you’re interested. 

Ken D: ok.. will you do them for £10 

I’d listed them at £20, as they were £50 when Jess bought them brand new. I thought £20 was more than reasonable. I told Ken this much. 

Ken D: don’t have £20 

Frustrated, I asked him what he did have.  

Ken D: could do £10 

I scoffed. I’m all for haggling but Ken was taking the piss.  

Me: Sorry, I can’t do that. £20 is more than fair. 

Ken D: fuck u 

I stared at my phone in disbelief that someone could be so offended over a pair of skates.  

Ken D is typing... 

Here we go, I thought.  

Ken D: THIS IS A MESSAGE OF 10 YEARS BaD LucK. YOu HAVE 7 Days to Send THIS to TWO OTHER PPL or Else!!!!!your BAD LUCK will END when YOU SEND THIS TO TWO PPL. Must BE SENT WITHIN 2 DAYS OR YOU HAVE BAD LUCK fo r 10 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I burst out laughing. Wow. Did this guy really send me a chain letter? I hadn’t seen one of those bad boys in over a decade!  

Me: Thanks, Ken. Have a good life.   

I decided that that was enough internet for one day. I put my phone on charge in the bedroom and headed into the living room to cuddle up on the sofa with Jess. 

“You’ll never guess what just happened to me.” I said, wrapping my arm around her. 

“Hmm?” 

“Some guy just sent me a chain letter bringing me bad luck because I wouldn’t sell him your skates.” 

Jess sat up, smirking. 

“What! You’re kidding? I haven’t seen one of those in ages!” 

“I know!” I laughed. “That’s what I thought!” 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is the part where my luck progressively gets worse until I realise that, oh no! The chain letter was real! Well, I’m sorry to disappoint, but no, that’s not what happened. You see, this isn’t a story about a curse that was put on me by a guy named Ken D. This is a story about Ken D: an unhinged internet stranger desperate to buy my wife’s rollerblades. 

That night, I was bombarded with messages from Ken, who was convinced he was going to get those damn skates. 

Ken D: did u get bad luck yet 

Me: No, not yet. 

Ken D: I can do £12 for the skates. 

Me: Sorry, I’m firm on my price. £20 or nothing. 

Had it been anyone else, I would have offered £15. But Ken had rubbed me the wrong way, so I decided to play hard ball. 

Ken D: do £12 

Ken D: do £12 

Ken D: do £12 

Me: Look man, if you keep harassing me, I’ll just block you. The skates are £20, take em or leave em. 

Ken D: what do i have to do to get these skates 

Me: Pay £20 

Ken D: Ha. Ha. Funny. 

Me: So is that a yes or no? I need to know before I block you. 

There was a pause. I thought perhaps he was going to fold. 

Ken D: I’ll come to your house and kill u.  

And that’s when I blocked him. I knew it was a harmless threat and he was just jerking me around, but it wasn’t funny anymore.  

A few days passed and I got another offer on the skates. This time, from a woman named Brenda. 

Brenda: how much for the skates? 

Do people not read the listings? It was written right there on the advertisement! Still, maybe she was old. Brenda did sound like an elderly woman’s name. 

Me: Hi Brenda. The skates are £20, collection only. 

Brenda: What is your address 

Me: Can you meet me outside the Tesco Express down Greenway Court? 

Brenda: no I'll come to u what is your address 

Me: I’d feel better if we met in public if it’s all the same to you. Just to be safe. 

Brenda: no what is your address 

I was getting weird vibes. Then I had a thought. 

Me: Ken? 

Brenda is typing... 

Then her account disappeared. It just vanished. I clicked on her profile picture, which was of a Cocker Spaniel wearing sunglasses, but the account was gone. 

“Son of a bitch!” I muttered aloud. It was Ken on another account! It had to be. This guy was a complete nutjob. 

Eventually, after a week or so, I finally got a serious looking offer on the skates. This time, from a younger woman called Laura. I checked her profile and it seemed legit. She was married, she had two cats, and was expecting her first child. She had hundreds of friends, a bunch of which seemed to interact with her on a regular basis, tagging her in memes and the like.  

Laura: Hi! Those skates are awesome, I’d love to take them off your hands.  

Me: Hi Laura, that would be great. Can you meet me outside Tesco Express down Greenway Court this evening at about 8pm? Cash only, £20. 

Laura agreed, and at 7:50pm I headed out the door with the skates in hand, ready to finally be rid of them. I arrived dead on time, but Laura was late. I waited for about 10 minutes before dropping her a message. 

Me: Hi Laura, I’m here. Everything ok? 

My message was seen, but she didn’t respond. Still, I gave it another 10 minutes just in case.  

Me: I’m really sorry but if you’re not here soon I'm going to have to go home. 

Again, my message was seen but I received no response. I decided that waiting in the cold wasn’t worth the £20- I’d just have to sell them to someone else. Though, given how much hard work that was proving to be, I wondered if maybe I’d be better just to cut my losses.  

When I returned home holding the skates, Jess gave me a disappointed look. 

“No luck?” 

“No,” I said, chucking them to the floor. “I give up. I can’t be arsed.”  

“Fair enough.” Jess replied. “It’s only £20. I guess now I can learn to skate after all!” 

A loud knock came from the front door. Jess and I looked at each other. 

“You expecting anyone?” she asked. 

“No.” 

When I opened up there was no one there. I looked around, then noticed a crudely wrapped parcel on our doorstep. I bent down to pick it up.  

“Did you order anything?” I was about to call out to Jess, but then the stench hit me. 

The package fell from my hands as I retched, and the brown wrapping paper opened slightly, revealing a long, lifeless pink worm. Only, it wasn’t a worm. It was a tail. 

“What the hell is that?!” cried Jess as she appeared from behind me. 

“Stay back!” 

I grabbed a stick from next to the flowerpots and prodded the package. Out fell a dead rat, its organs spilling from a split in its side.  

Jess covered her mouth with her hand and quickly disappeared back into the house, gagging. 

After retrieving a pair of washing up gloves from the kitchen, I disposed of the rat. I was shocked, to say the least. I wondered who the hell would do something like this, but in the back of my mind, I think I already knew.  

When I logged onto Facebook later that night, I had a new message. 

Laura: Did you like your present? 

-------------------------------------------- 

Of course, it had to be Ken. One crazy person after the skates was strange enough, but two? Unlikely. I seriously doubted that Laura was real and was somewhat impressed by Ken’s dedication and commitment. How had he managed to create such a convincing account so quickly?  

“So, you think it was this Ken guy pretending to be Laura and then he just... followed you home? And left us a dead rat?” Jess's eyes were wide with horror. 

“Yeah, I think so.” 

“We have to call the police!” 

So that’s what I did. I called the non-emergency line and explained the situation. An officer was sent out the following day but by the time he got to us all the accounts had been deleted, including all the messages.  

“He’s deleted everything!” I exclaimed. “How’s that possible?” 

The officer seemed completely uninterested.  

“You said this ‘Ken’ left a dead rat on your doorstep?” 

“Yeah!” 

“And where’s the rat now?” 

“Well, I got rid of it.” 

The officer pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“What was I supposed to do?” I asked, annoyed.  

“Look, I’ll be honest with you. It sounds like it was just a prank. A dumb prank, but a prank, nonetheless. It could have been a lot worse.” 

“Great, thanks!” I scoffed. “I’ll be sure to let you know when he does worse, then, shall I? When would be a good time for you, before or after he stabs me in my sleep?” 

“Babe...” Jess put her head in her hands.  

“No, I’m sorry.” I said, exasperated. “This is messed up! A guy leaves us a dead rat and the police don’t care?” 

“Sir, calm down.”  

This only angered me more. I sighed in frustration. 

“The best thing to do would be to not respond to any more messages on Facebook. That’s if you even get any. Keep your doors and windows locked, and, if you want to, maybe invest in some security cameras. Don’t open the door without knowing who’s there. I know it’s frustrating but that’s really all I can do for you right now.” 

“Seems ironic, doesn’t it?” I said to Jess when the officer left. 

“What?” 

“I put our items up for sale to make money, only now I have to spend that money on cameras to keep us safe.” 

“Well, maybe the policeman’s right. Maybe this is the end of it. The rat was his way of saying “fuck you”, and now he’s going to leave us alone. Hold out on the cameras for now, babe. We’ll see what happens.” 

But of course, it didn't end there. As if by magic, my phone alerted me of a new message. 

Ken D: you told on me 

What the fuck! His original account was back. How was he doing this? 

Me: Dude, what is your problem?  

Ken D: my problem is u. i want the skates. £10 

Me: I thought you said £12? 

Ken D: that’s before u pissed me off. 

Me: I pissed you off?! I got your present, by the way. Hope you kept the receipt.  

Ken D: your wife is really hot btw. How much?  

I know I should have left it there. I know I should have ignored him.  

Me: fuck you! All this... for a pair of skates? You can have them. 

Ken D: really? 

Me: Yeah. For £25. 

A knock at the door startled me. I jumped up, legging it to the front of the house to finally catch this freak, but when I looked outside, I saw only another parcel.  

I sniffed the air, trying to detect what roadkill he’d sent me this time. But I was wrong. It wasn’t a dead animal. It was much, much worse. 

“Why did you respond to him?” the police officer asked me when he returned. 

I didn’t have anything to say. I just shrugged, looking down at my feet. Luckily Jess had gone out to do our weekly food shop. I didn’t want her to see this. 

“Are you sure they’re hers?” 

“Yeah. I’m sure. I was the one who bought them.” 

The officer stared down at the underwear I’d laid out on the coffee table. Jess’s underwear. Her used underwear.  

“She was wearing them yesterday.” I added. “I saw her take them off and put them in the laundry basket.” 

“So, you think Ken broke in to steal them, only to return them?” 

“I know you’re not taking me seriously,” I said, defeated. “And I know I haven’t handled this well. I’m sorry. But yeah, that’s exactly what I think happened. He’s messing with me.” 

“Are there any signs of a break in?” 

“I’ve checked the whole house. There’s nothing. I have no idea how he’s doing it.” 

“Spare key?” 

I closed my eyes tightly, groaning. 

“We keep it under the flowerpot.” 

“Ah. I think you better call a locksmith.” 

The more I thought about the situation, the less sense it made. When had Ken broken in? Where had I been and how had I not noticed? He’d have had to have let himself in the front door, walk all the way through the living room and up the stairs, cross the landing, find our bedroom, rifle through our dirty clothes, and then leave again. When could he have possibly done this without us noticing? 

My phone buzzed, interrupting my train of thought. 

Ken D: It’s only gonna get worse from here. Give me the skates. £10.  

Wait. This didn't make sense. Why hadn’t he just taken the skates when he broke into the house? They weren’t hidden, they were still by the front door. He would’ve had to have walked past them. 

Ken D: youre wonderin why i didnt just take them 

My heart sank. How did he know what I was thinking? 

Ken D: I want to buy them, fair n square. £10. 

I considered it. I wanted this to be over. Who knew what fucked up thing he’d do next? 

Me: No. 

I shocked myself as I typed it and pressed send. Was I being for real? It’s just a pair of skates for crying out loud. But at the same time, it was the principle of the thing. We’d come this far, I didn’t want to be bullied into giving Ken what he wanted. Besides, who’s to say he wouldn’t just take the skates and still harrass me? 

Ken D: I’m getting those skates n I’m getting them for £10. 

Me: We’ll see. 

I bought the cameras. I changed the locks. Jess thought I was being ridiculous. 

“We’re losing money!” she yelled. “All because you’re being a stubborn arsehole!” 

“He’s the arsehole! I’m not gonna let him walk all over me!” 

“You’ve just pissed away all the money we made on cameras and new locks! All because you want £20 for a stupid pair of skates!” 

“It’s not about the skates.” 

“Of course it’s about the goddamn skates!” she screamed. “You’re just as bad as he is!” 

She stormed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.  

She was right. I should have listened to her. I had sunk to Ken’s level; I know I had. But it had reached the point where I didn’t even care about the money anymore. I was seeing red, and I wanted revenge. 

I messaged Ken. 

Me: try getting in now, you fuck. I’ve got cameras everywhere.  

Ken D: like that’s gonna stop me. 

Not five seconds later, Jess let out a scream. I rushed to our bedroom and found her in a heap in the corner.  

“What happened?” I asked, running over to her. She pointed at the window. 

“There was a face!” she sobbed.  

I opened the window, looking up towards the roof, then down towards the ground.  

“There’s no one there.”  

“No, you don’t understand.” Jess was struggling to get her words out. “It was just a face.” 

She bawled her eyes out as I stared at her in shock. Then I heard a tapping coming from the window. I slowly turned around, and what I saw made me sick to my stomach. Jess wasn’t lying.  

It was a face. Just a face.  

It hung in the air, void of a body. Two bulbous white eyes with tiny pinpricks for pupils stared back at me. I’d have been convinced it was a Halloween mask had it not been for the fact it started to laugh. Very slowly it began descending, not breaking eye contact with me, its horrifying cackle unfaltering. It disappeared beneath the window. I stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do next.  

My phone pinged. 

Ken D: i want those skates. £10. 

I didn’t want to play this game anymore. I don’t know what Ken was, but I didn’t want to find out. I charged to the front door, picking up the skates, and I launched them onto the front garden. 

Me: They’re yours. I’m done. They’re outside. 

A single knock on the door made me yelp. I waited, then cautiously crept to the peephole. There was no one there. 

Opening the door, I looked around. No one. 

I glanced down.  

There, on the ground in front of me, was a £10 note. 

My phone buzzed. 

Ken D: pleasure doing business with u